A Letter to My Younger Self

First, I guess apologies are in order. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry if I have let you down in anyway. I’m sorry things did not turn out how we planned, I wish I could say I tried my best but we know that isn’t true.

Many things have changed for you over the years but your fear of failure has remained the same. The unnecessary pressure to “succeed” that you place on yourself far too young is alive and well.

I’m sorry I’m not the pro athlete you once dreamed of. Not much of a pro at anything really, sort of a jack of all trades, master of none situation.

I’m sorry for the broken relationships I could not mend. No, I still haven’t spoken to dad, but in fairness he hasn’t spoken to me either.

Mostly, I’m sorry for this letter. I’m sorry this will be our last talk.

Because what’s best for me now is to leave you behind. Not the memories, not the moments that made us, certainly not the people we’ve met along the way.

But the pain. The pain of living up to your enormous standards of who I should be and who I was supposed to become.

Our toxic relationship has run its course.

It is time I live for myself and stop mourning the version of me you’ve created.

I know you struggled then but Kayla, I want you to know, I’m happy now.

Like actually happy. Which is shocking because I never made it to law school. I haven’t found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I still live in my hometown and talk to the same friends. I haven’t traveled the world or won that Academy Award.

All of the things you said would give my joy and happiness do not exist in my life, and here I stand, happy nonetheless.

Why?

Because I finally learned that the only validation I need, is me. It isn’t in the arms of a man or his touch (or woman, I forgot to mention, we’re gay now. Surprise!). Nor is it in the email I waited weeks to receive just to find out I didn’t get the role.

My worth is not dependent on my job or if people like me or find me attractive.

I’m lying in bed right now in the middle of the day and my life still has the same value it did while working that 9 to 5.

But I need you to know, though you may be disappointed in me, I like to think you would understand.

If you knew what we have overcome and the battles we have fought to get here, you would be proud. Maybe a little worried, but still proud of the woman you created. The woman that fell behind but is still going to make a difference in this world someday.

I’m sorry you can’t come on this journey with me, I’m sure we would share some laughs and tears, especially about those college years, we sure did leave our mark!

Though I have to go, you will alway be in my heart. I will remember every lesson you taught me, you got me here. I promise this time around I’ll do better. So all there is left to say is…

Thank you.

-Kayla

P.S. I truly am sorry about the whole mental health spiral you’re going to go on in couple years. It was not my best work.

But don’t worry. the medication is crushing it and we’re fine.

Okay, love you, bye.